Friends,

Sorry if this is a bit morbid, it’s about death, but I thought it interesting.

What are the pieces that we leave behind? What are the memories that we are a part of? What will we be remembered by?

I was looking through some old things of mine locked away in a dusty old box. I was given my grandma’s journal when she passed away and I was told that this was the keepsakes that I could always remember her by. I realize that she does not live on in those material things that were once hers. She lives on in my heart and mind. The pages of that journal can never replace the memory I have of her face. As I went through the photos, drawings, stories, memories; I became conscious of the fact that we leave behind so much more than an image on a photo or the scribbles in a journal. We leave behind memories. Pieces of ourselves in other people hearts and minds. We carry on in this world on the shoulders of those that can call us by name. We leave a legacy in the hearts of those that we shared this life with.

Being alive is a mysterious and glorious thing. As we go about living we share beautiful moments with others living in this world. We laugh loudly at jokes with others, love deeply towards other people, cry sincerely at the sorrow of another’s pain. We live on in these moments. We live on in the memories we have of each other. The physical objects that we leave are just the symbolic impressions we left on others lives. We are woven in time, set concretely in memory, by those lives we have encountered.

My question for you my friends is what do we want to leave behind? Do we have a choice in what we leave behind?

Have a beautiful day today my friends, you all encourage me in more ways than you could ever know.

fuzzy today

Since the Tuesday night when we began this project I am more aware of how often I feel like myself and even more so how often I do not. Recently I have noticed a trend in my days where my brain is a bit fuzzy. Like I am disconnected from my surroundings or I can't focus. More and more it is begging to overwhelm me, I think because I am being more conscientious of how I am feeling. This doesn't happen all day long, just an hour or so here and there. I start to analyze what I am doing that is not making me feel all there and what I should do to get back to...me. It is starting to make me a bit grumpy at myself because I am frustrated that it reoccurs and I can't snap myself out of it. I just kind of float along for a while and don't really do anything productive. And that is not me.

These are just some thoughts from me on a Friday morning. Thanks friends.

Ode to Gershwin

The Clarinet swoons, and for a moment, one could swear they were listening to a brassy trumpet. It raises the hair on my arms like electricity, and I settle down into a place within myself that is both familiar and somehow new. Meanwhile, the Clarinet continues it's casual frolic, and I can just picture it as is saunters off the page of sheet music in my mind's eye, and hands the reins over to the French Horns.

At first the Horns answer pointedly, punctuating the key notes in their response quite mechanically. However, toward the end of their reasoning they plaintively dwindle in their ritard as the Clarinet picks up once more...

This is what I see in the opening of George Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue. What is it about this piece that makes my heart pound? When I listen to the orchestra swell with Gershwin's rising and falling dynamics, and his playful antics that suddenly turn severe in an instant, I get a feeling in the center of my chest that ignites with the sweeping lines and phrases of the piano.

My friends,
I wanted to share this with you because music is a very large part of my life. To me, nothing compares to being in a live audience as the notes swirl around you in your very seat, connecting you with everybody else in the room. It is truly an amazing feeling, and when I am there, for a moment I feel as if I can conquer the world...

Is there anything like this in your life? If there is, think about that memory or song or that something that makes you feel the most alive. Have a blessed day, and I love you all.

Home.

I have a friend who graduated this morning. She is one of the most beautiful people I know. She is studying to become a pediatric oncologist and just finished with her bachelor down at Metro. We lived together for a year in college before she transfered to Denver. I love her and I miss her.

Do you have a friend who is exactly like you? You both think the same things, feel the same things, react the same way. You both like the same weird things, care about the same things, share precious memories with. You both see each other, really see. And you know this friendship is spectacular, special, and lucky. You know the connection is rare. I can name three people that I feel this towards. I am extremely rich because of them. She is one of them.

She graduated this morning and I am going down to see her this afternoon. One of her favorite movies is Patch Adams...kind of obvious though-doctor, love, humor. I looked up quotes to put in her card and found this:

"Home. The dictionary defines it as both a place of origin and a goal or destination. And the storm? The storm was all in my mind. Or as the poet Dante put it:In the middle of the journey of my life, I found myself in a dark wood, for I had lost the right path. Eventually I would find the right path, but in the most unlikely place."

~Patch

I immediately thought of Chapter One and why we started this project. We are all looking for the true version of ourselves. Ourself not clouded by fear, judgement, social rules, first impressions, or mistakes. But I think we are also looking for a home. A home in ourselves. To be at home in ourself and let people in. And the storm...I think we are all feeling some degree of a storm in our mind, in a dark wood on the wrong path because we are all looking for the right path. But we are not looking alone. A home is not a lonely place, so why does our journey there have to be? It doesn't. We will be successful in finding ourselves because of each other. We will be each other's lanterns in the dark wood. So when the right path comes in the strangest place we will see it.

I love you friends. Thank you for being my light.

The Corrs

I thought you guys might want to listen to this song called Rebel Heart by The Corrs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2q1CT0PHd0&playnext_from=TL&videos=xgNbrDC8sRY

It's not snowing, it's...cottoning?

Outside my window, my neighbors have this Cottonwood tree. It’s releasing its…spawn? Well whatever the case, there are so many seeds in the air that as they swirl and twirl around it looks like it is snowing.

Back home we have a Cottonwood tree. But it was struck by lightning a couple years ago, so it doesn’t cotton anymore. That tree is actually quite inspiring if I think about it. My parents had literally grown it from the ground up; it was just a little seed. And as our home grew, so did the tree. I would like to think that it was our love that made that tree tower over us. It became one of the tallest trees in the neighborhood. Then one night, there was a really bad thunderstorm and all I remember is hearing the loudest CRACK! in the middle of the night. The next morning we woke up and that poor tree had this huge scar, jagged and smoking, down the length of its strong trunk. The tree was bleeding sap and young green leaves were falling to the ground like rain.

We thought it was going to die.

But we didn’t know the strength within that tree. Years later, it still thrives. It is a triumph really, it probably should have died. The open wound in its side it easily gets infested with bugs and it will never cotton again. Yet, somehow, it is still growing, it is still living, it is still thriving. That tree defied all expectations and prevailed.

I’ve decided that I need to be more like that tree. I need to bleed and hurt when I am struck with my own kind of lightning, but I need to defy all expectations and grow. I need to live on despite everyone thinking I am going to collapse.

Here’s a quote for you, my beautiful friends, which I particularly thought you would enjoy:
“We find what we search for—or, if we don’t find it, we become it.” – Jessamyn West

With all my love and heart, I believe in you all and I hope you have a breathtaking day.

Ancient Lists

I found a list I wrote over three years ago in my room, tucked away under books and papers and such. I bet I tried to hide it. Hide it to find later in revelation or hide it to be lost.

And you know what? I'm still working on all of these things.

"Things I need to change:"

1. Be more selfless

-Listen more, talk less

-Give, give, give.

2. Look people in the eyes.

3. Text and call back right away.

4. Love people who annoy me.

5. LET GO

6. Be on time for work or meeting people (try to be early!)

7. Don't ever get drunk again.

8. Stop using foul language.

9. Try your best not to judge or be hypocritical.

10. Don't gossip. Don't be dramatic.

11. Don't ever date a non-Christian. Ever again. Period. You fuckhead.

12. Keep your room clean, you dirty slut.

Yep, word for word.