Friends,

Sorry if this is a bit morbid, it’s about death, but I thought it interesting.

What are the pieces that we leave behind? What are the memories that we are a part of? What will we be remembered by?

I was looking through some old things of mine locked away in a dusty old box. I was given my grandma’s journal when she passed away and I was told that this was the keepsakes that I could always remember her by. I realize that she does not live on in those material things that were once hers. She lives on in my heart and mind. The pages of that journal can never replace the memory I have of her face. As I went through the photos, drawings, stories, memories; I became conscious of the fact that we leave behind so much more than an image on a photo or the scribbles in a journal. We leave behind memories. Pieces of ourselves in other people hearts and minds. We carry on in this world on the shoulders of those that can call us by name. We leave a legacy in the hearts of those that we shared this life with.

Being alive is a mysterious and glorious thing. As we go about living we share beautiful moments with others living in this world. We laugh loudly at jokes with others, love deeply towards other people, cry sincerely at the sorrow of another’s pain. We live on in these moments. We live on in the memories we have of each other. The physical objects that we leave are just the symbolic impressions we left on others lives. We are woven in time, set concretely in memory, by those lives we have encountered.

My question for you my friends is what do we want to leave behind? Do we have a choice in what we leave behind?

Have a beautiful day today my friends, you all encourage me in more ways than you could ever know.

fuzzy today

Since the Tuesday night when we began this project I am more aware of how often I feel like myself and even more so how often I do not. Recently I have noticed a trend in my days where my brain is a bit fuzzy. Like I am disconnected from my surroundings or I can't focus. More and more it is begging to overwhelm me, I think because I am being more conscientious of how I am feeling. This doesn't happen all day long, just an hour or so here and there. I start to analyze what I am doing that is not making me feel all there and what I should do to get back to...me. It is starting to make me a bit grumpy at myself because I am frustrated that it reoccurs and I can't snap myself out of it. I just kind of float along for a while and don't really do anything productive. And that is not me.

These are just some thoughts from me on a Friday morning. Thanks friends.

Ode to Gershwin

The Clarinet swoons, and for a moment, one could swear they were listening to a brassy trumpet. It raises the hair on my arms like electricity, and I settle down into a place within myself that is both familiar and somehow new. Meanwhile, the Clarinet continues it's casual frolic, and I can just picture it as is saunters off the page of sheet music in my mind's eye, and hands the reins over to the French Horns.

At first the Horns answer pointedly, punctuating the key notes in their response quite mechanically. However, toward the end of their reasoning they plaintively dwindle in their ritard as the Clarinet picks up once more...

This is what I see in the opening of George Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue. What is it about this piece that makes my heart pound? When I listen to the orchestra swell with Gershwin's rising and falling dynamics, and his playful antics that suddenly turn severe in an instant, I get a feeling in the center of my chest that ignites with the sweeping lines and phrases of the piano.

My friends,
I wanted to share this with you because music is a very large part of my life. To me, nothing compares to being in a live audience as the notes swirl around you in your very seat, connecting you with everybody else in the room. It is truly an amazing feeling, and when I am there, for a moment I feel as if I can conquer the world...

Is there anything like this in your life? If there is, think about that memory or song or that something that makes you feel the most alive. Have a blessed day, and I love you all.

Home.

I have a friend who graduated this morning. She is one of the most beautiful people I know. She is studying to become a pediatric oncologist and just finished with her bachelor down at Metro. We lived together for a year in college before she transfered to Denver. I love her and I miss her.

Do you have a friend who is exactly like you? You both think the same things, feel the same things, react the same way. You both like the same weird things, care about the same things, share precious memories with. You both see each other, really see. And you know this friendship is spectacular, special, and lucky. You know the connection is rare. I can name three people that I feel this towards. I am extremely rich because of them. She is one of them.

She graduated this morning and I am going down to see her this afternoon. One of her favorite movies is Patch Adams...kind of obvious though-doctor, love, humor. I looked up quotes to put in her card and found this:

"Home. The dictionary defines it as both a place of origin and a goal or destination. And the storm? The storm was all in my mind. Or as the poet Dante put it:In the middle of the journey of my life, I found myself in a dark wood, for I had lost the right path. Eventually I would find the right path, but in the most unlikely place."

~Patch

I immediately thought of Chapter One and why we started this project. We are all looking for the true version of ourselves. Ourself not clouded by fear, judgement, social rules, first impressions, or mistakes. But I think we are also looking for a home. A home in ourselves. To be at home in ourself and let people in. And the storm...I think we are all feeling some degree of a storm in our mind, in a dark wood on the wrong path because we are all looking for the right path. But we are not looking alone. A home is not a lonely place, so why does our journey there have to be? It doesn't. We will be successful in finding ourselves because of each other. We will be each other's lanterns in the dark wood. So when the right path comes in the strangest place we will see it.

I love you friends. Thank you for being my light.

The Corrs

I thought you guys might want to listen to this song called Rebel Heart by The Corrs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2q1CT0PHd0&playnext_from=TL&videos=xgNbrDC8sRY

It's not snowing, it's...cottoning?

Outside my window, my neighbors have this Cottonwood tree. It’s releasing its…spawn? Well whatever the case, there are so many seeds in the air that as they swirl and twirl around it looks like it is snowing.

Back home we have a Cottonwood tree. But it was struck by lightning a couple years ago, so it doesn’t cotton anymore. That tree is actually quite inspiring if I think about it. My parents had literally grown it from the ground up; it was just a little seed. And as our home grew, so did the tree. I would like to think that it was our love that made that tree tower over us. It became one of the tallest trees in the neighborhood. Then one night, there was a really bad thunderstorm and all I remember is hearing the loudest CRACK! in the middle of the night. The next morning we woke up and that poor tree had this huge scar, jagged and smoking, down the length of its strong trunk. The tree was bleeding sap and young green leaves were falling to the ground like rain.

We thought it was going to die.

But we didn’t know the strength within that tree. Years later, it still thrives. It is a triumph really, it probably should have died. The open wound in its side it easily gets infested with bugs and it will never cotton again. Yet, somehow, it is still growing, it is still living, it is still thriving. That tree defied all expectations and prevailed.

I’ve decided that I need to be more like that tree. I need to bleed and hurt when I am struck with my own kind of lightning, but I need to defy all expectations and grow. I need to live on despite everyone thinking I am going to collapse.

Here’s a quote for you, my beautiful friends, which I particularly thought you would enjoy:
“We find what we search for—or, if we don’t find it, we become it.” – Jessamyn West

With all my love and heart, I believe in you all and I hope you have a breathtaking day.

Ancient Lists

I found a list I wrote over three years ago in my room, tucked away under books and papers and such. I bet I tried to hide it. Hide it to find later in revelation or hide it to be lost.

And you know what? I'm still working on all of these things.

"Things I need to change:"

1. Be more selfless

-Listen more, talk less

-Give, give, give.

2. Look people in the eyes.

3. Text and call back right away.

4. Love people who annoy me.

5. LET GO

6. Be on time for work or meeting people (try to be early!)

7. Don't ever get drunk again.

8. Stop using foul language.

9. Try your best not to judge or be hypocritical.

10. Don't gossip. Don't be dramatic.

11. Don't ever date a non-Christian. Ever again. Period. You fuckhead.

12. Keep your room clean, you dirty slut.

Yep, word for word.

So...

I’m frustrated with myself because I see all these projects and things I have to do and I have haven’t even started. When did I let myself become so unmotivated?

You guys should have seen me in high school; you probably would have thought I was insane. There was enough on my plate for three people to do, constantly, and yet I somehow found the time and energy to do it all. Not that I really miss that part of me, it’s just now I feel like I am bouncing from one extreme to the next. Either it’s “Sarah, blazing at a million miles a minute”, or it’s “Sarah, can’t find the motivation to get dressed let alone unpack her room”. This isn’t like me and I don’t like what I am becoming.

Not to sound super dramatic or “emotional”, but I question myself a lot. At least a lot more recently. And I want to write off my questioning as a phase, something that is expected of a college student. But I bounce back and forth between if I should just regard it as a phase or not. It probably is and I just need to get over myself. I just really haven’t been feeling like myself lately. I feel awkward and frustrated in my own skin, I just want break away from myself and go somewhere…somewhere. I don’t know what holds me back. These small responsibilities that I paint into a huge deal but they really are small? Those petty friends that I care very much for but they care very little for me? I need to shake this…but I don’t know how.

I have a dream to share with you guys. So I was in my new house, sleeping in my room, and I woke up completely and utterly sad. I pulled myself out of my bed and started looking for my roommates. But as I wandered into their rooms, I discovered our whole house to be vacant. I was heartbroken. I went back to my room, closed the door, and sunk into my bed. On my bed there were pictures; they were pictures of my roommates and I doing things from the past. I looked to their faces as I scanned the photos and smiled at my memories. Beside the photos was a letter and it read, “Sometimes, those you should hold closest to you are right in front of you.” I was so sad in my dreams because I realized that I let people go who mattered in my life. And it wasn’t until they were gone that I realized they mattered.

I need to learn how to just let go of the past and accept who I am right now. I need to love myself now…because I haven’t loved myself in a very long time. I need to forgive myself now…because I haven’t forgiven myself…ever.

I hope and I pray for better days for us all. For learning, hoping, and forgiving. For smiles, laughter, and joy. For moving and growing to begin. I love you all so incredibly much.

Dust

Not feeling so much like myself today.

1. I'm moving. And I finally got my act together and started packing.

I always forget how long I have lived in a place until I start putting things in boxes and air starts moving and dust flies up ((showing me all the places I should have cleaned)). It's as if pieces of my self have settled into the room that I've called home and have started to make roots. All until I begin moving things around again.

And I wonder to myself, "Will I ever settle down enough to

make a foundation

create a home?"

2. Moving reminds me of who I used to be.

I went to that concert with that person.

Why would I keep this? What did it mean to me then?

This was a gift from ______. I miss us.

This is the ultimate "construction" of myself: tearing down my life and rebuilding. In a new house, with new roommates, with a new job, new friends, new...blah blah blah.

What do we take with us? What do we leave behind?

What makes you question who you are?

Warning: This may be quite....girly. But let us face the fact that I am a girl and these thoughts real.

One thing that continuously happens to me in the morning that does not make me feel like myself is the act of getting dressed. I hate it so much. Most times I hate it so much that it hurts. Why? For one, I hate that just figuring out what to wear can bring me down because they are just clothes...it is so dumb. And for two, I hate when I don't look like who I feel I am. Now I will draw picture for you of my closet. I am not hurting for clothes by any means. I have a large closet that I can walk in, probably 10 feet long and 4(ish) feet wide. Shelves at the back end and a clothes on hangers packed from front to back. A lot? Well I also have a dresser(...full) and a separate closet with winter jackets and fancy special occasion dresses. Why is it so hard for me? Am I that materialistic? I hate it. And I make excuses. I am a new teacher working form a college student's closet (not to say that college students dress indecent...I didn't and I don't know many that do-but teacher attire needs to be a bit more formal) I put so much pressure on myself because I want to dress like the cool, kind of crazy art teacher. And this year I am getting bitter about the fact that I am really only at the school at the end of the day...so I have to stress about what I wear for an hour and a half of teaching?

Why does it affect me so much? If I run out of time or decide to just go with it even if I am not sold on the outfit I feel a bit off all day. I don't feel like myself all day. Why? I am who I am and I bought these clothes for a reason... and they are just freaking clothes. How can I stop worrying about it? I have heard people say, 'there is a certain outfit for everyday'. And I can't say I believe it.... but I very well should. When I see other people that I admire it is their soul, and character that I fall in love with, not their clothes.

I wanted to share that. I wanted to share that because I think we need to know what we do to feel ourselves but we also need to know what we do that makes us not feel ourselves. And if we never talk about it how are we going to let it go. I need to just own what I wear. I am an art teacher and a damn good one. So no matter what I wear I need to focus on where I am going. When I have success with a student, a class, a friend or an artwork I am never ever going to remember what I wore-it is irrelevant. What I relevant is what I do, how I love others and how I love myself.

What makes you question who you are?

Dear Friends,

“We must be the change we wish to see in the world.” – Mahatma Gandhi

If there has been one thing that has been a constant reoccurrence in my thoughts lately it’s this idea of significance. There are a lot of things in my life that I feel are so far from significant. Did Obama check his Facebook this morning? Did Napoleon clean his kitchen before he conquered half the world? What the hell have I done with my life?

I feel afraid when I think about what I will leave behind. I fear that it will be nothing, that my whole life has been nothing but useless. I feel afraid when I think about how little impact I have had in this world. When I die there will be more than six billion people who won’t even know and move on with their days and lives. And I’m not trying to seem as though I think I should be the most important person in the world, it just scares me to think that I am wasting a precious life on meaninglessness.

But I am beginning to realize that it’s not so much the quantity of people that know your name or the physical things you leave behind. It is more about the actions you take and the impact that you have on certain lives. Significance can be found in how you’ve decided to navigate this massive world. It is my choice to try my hardest to see the world for its beauty and it is my choice to open my heart to those around me. It is my choice to navigate this world by finding significance in simply existing and I feel that is all I can do. All I can do is be set in motion and hope for the best. All I can do is keep a happy heart, a broad smile, and a positive outlook. Without those things, I fear that I will be lost to this world.

So take heart my beautiful friends. We are in motion and we are significant. We are significant because we can choose to see our lives that way. I love you all and hope you are having a beautiful day!

It's the simple things...it really is.

I woke up this morning in a bad mood even though I said I wasn’t going to. Why was I in a bad mood? I have no idea. I remember thinking to myself as I restrained from beating my head against the marble that’s in our fantastic new bathroom, “What reason do I have to be in a bad mood?”
Came up blank…as usual. But even though I knew I had no reason to be upset, I still was...
Frustrated, I resolved that I would no longer be in a bad mood once I got out of the shower. However, once I stepped down onto that green mat, and closed the curtain behind me, I began to get irritated at the littlest things. For example, I remember glowering furiously at my dying “lucky” bamboo that is sitting on the back of the toilet. It is turning yellow, and wilting by the second. If the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree was a sprig of bamboo, this would be it incarnate. I almost wanted to shout at it, “What do you want from me??” I tried putting it on my dresser to where it could feel the sun, and then when that didn’t help I tried putting it in the closet thinking that maybe direct sunlight might be killing it even more. So then I put it in the bathroom where it would have a mixture of both. But, of course this seems to have no change, and God forbid be making it worse.
This, to say the least, was not a good start to my “lets-emerge-from-the-shower-in-a-better-mood” plan. I was contemplating yelling at a stalk of bamboo for crying out loud. I figured I had to get out of that bathroom as quickly as I could; thinking that perhaps nothing else could go wrong in the rest of the house.
As I hurried brushing my teeth and fixing my hair, I was relieved to be away from my irritation, believing that it was something I could leave behind or wash off and flush down the drain. However as I walked into my room, I found a surprise waiting for me deposited lovingly on my newly clean carpet by my cat in the form of the greasiest (and slightly greenish) hairball I have seen her choke up yet.
Of course.
The irritation pricked me again and again. Really? Really?? Disgusting.
But as I turned to go get a paper towel (which regrettably was in the bathroom), the culprit, my cat Maisie, came around the corner.
“Thanks for that,” I told her scornfully, and instead of looking back at me with a blank look that usually accompanies dumb animals, she fluffed up her tail and said, rather pointedly I might add:
“Meow."
I looked down at her, and she looked at me as if to say “You’re welcome”, or perhaps “It was my pleasure”, or even “You do realize you are talking to a cat”. Whatever the case, she was still happy to see me. And as her tail wound its way into that familiar shape of a question mark that I know and love, all of my irritation melted away, and I cleaned up the hairball with a glad heart, knowing that I would laugh about all of this in the next few minutes as I write this for Chapter One…
I hope I can bring a smile to your faces today. Love you all

April Flowers bring May...snow?

Since I have become more interested and active in photography, I've seen the world differently. Whenever I am driving, working, and just being, I look around and see a potential photo: moments that I feel should be captured forever because they're too beautiful to miss.

That's the way I feel about this blog.

I woke up this morning excited for my day because I knew I had people behind me and beside me, interconnected. A sense of accountability has been added to my struggles and I am excited to face them as a team, a group, a family, rather than the loneliness of facing them by myself.

That being written, I am overjoyed with the thought of reading your stories, seeing your self-expressions, and being amongst you in this new season. Your lives are too beautiful to miss - so let us make the most of them.

Do. Just one thing.

I sit her at Margie's with some time, a cup of earl grey and a blank text box. I am surprised how difficult I find writing about our new project. But where do you start when you want to know yourself, be yourself and really live? You start with today. How often do you do something for your self everyday? How well do you take care of you? Why is it so hard to dedicate time to take care of ourselves? And why is it so trying for us (or for me anyway)to not feel selfish when we do? I want so much for you to know you, take care of you and for you to love you. Start with today. Do something for yourself and let there be no strings attached.

Today I woke up and read for an hour. I usually only let myself do this on weekends. Sometimes I just stay in bed and sometimes I go make a cup of coffee and crawl back into bed. I can read for hours like this and I love it. There is something about the time of day that just makes this perfect. I can't describe why...I just love it. What is even more perfect is when I wake up at my parents house....we have these couches that sit in the sunlight all morning and it is a fantastic reading spot.

So today, what will you do for yourself?

I love you all.

What should this Blog look like?

Add a comment below listing what you want to share with others to encourage them in their journey of constructing themselves!